Your Window of Tolerance
Last week, I was asked to speak about the link between vulnerability, the nervous system and the window of tolerance on FB Live. I’ll start by saying that speaking on FB Live is an actual-real-life example of me working to stay calm while vulnerability is threatening to kick me out of my window of tolerance!
And what even?!?!?!?!? I talk about this stuff all the time so why would this make me feel uncomfortable? Here’s where the window of tolerance comes in.
This is the place where you feel safe. Your parasympathetic (rest and digest) system is activated, your heart rate is slow, your breathing is deep and you feel calm and connected. Maybe you feel this way when you are at home in your special chair, or walking in nature, or with a close friend.
Enter something new - like talking to a new audience and being recorded while an inner critic tells you you’re not explaining a concept well and a hungry belly activates your sympathetic (fight/flight) system in order to get some much needed glucose. Any of these things might push you out of your window of tolerance because they can kick on the fight/flight or freeze system.
And this can happen fast! Luckily, I have a few tools up my sleeve. The key is to cultivate calm, connection and compassion. In other words, to keep your nervous system in the parasympathetic range and stay in that window of tolerance, you need to:
Acknowledge all of the ways you are actually safe and feel that safety in your body (during the interview, I paid attention to my feet on the ground, a steady diaphragmatic breath and an awareness of the safety and comfort in my environment.)
Notice what you feel connected to (I made eye contact through the screen with Allison Livingston who was sending facial expressions and voice tones of warmth and kindness my way. I consciously felt her support and the connection between us.)
Cultivate self-compassion by paying attention to the way you talk to yourself (I was mindful of the tone of my "inside voice" and generally sent myself good vibes throughout the talk).
So what does this have to do with vulnerability?
Well, as lovely as it is to stay in the absolute center of your window of tolerance, where you feel super cozy an relaxed, it’s not where learning and growth happens. Learning and growth happens at the edge of our window - still inside it, but at the edge - that’s the sweet spot.
And when we are in that sweet spot VULNERABILITY IS AMAZING AND HELPS US GROW AND FOSTER CREATIVITY AND CONNECT DEEPLY WITH OTHERS!!! But when we feel unsafe or disconnected and vulnerability throws us into fight/flight or freeze, it is no longer so amazing or growth inducing.
So the question of the day is, how do we expand our window of tolerance so that we can feel more comfortable getting vulnerable and learning new things?
Which brings us back to cultivating calm, connection and compassion. This is the topic of my upcoming course as well as Part 1 of the interview I gave last week (stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow:).
I just gave you some examples of the tools I used to keep calm during last week’s interview and here’s four more ways you can learn more:
Watch the FB Live Interview
Join the waitlist for Cultivating Calm and Connection: 30 Days To Rewire Your Nervous System. This is a limited enrollment course and waitlisters will have access to early registration and an early bird bonus so make sure to get on the waitlist (no commitment required).
Register for my Feb 7th, sneak peek into the course. Whether you decide to take the course or not, this free class will offer some great tools.
Keep reading these emails. I’ll be offering more tools in the next few weeks.
Thanks for reading. I hope you find that sweet spot this week!
Sending so much love,
Rachel